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Creativitired

I wish I could be one of those people who took the most of the pandemic lockdown and wrote a book or a play. Although it’s true that I’m writing more because of this situation, there are many factors that are affecting my creativity. Not that I’m claiming that I am a very creative person, I always struggle with that. Now more than ever. Since I moved to London back in July every day looks the same so the inspiration resources have been very limited. An improviser without resources. How about that? I’m writing this also as an exercise to know what’s dragging me down. I have my headphones on and I just typed “Music for writing” on Spotify and I’m determined to keep writing focusing on the notes.

Wait, wait, wait. Ferran, if you are trying to do this, it’s better to distance yourself from yourself. Let me help, I’ll just set two imaginary chairs, like in a Playback Theatre session. That’s it, let’s create a playback theatre session where you can be the conductor, the teller, the actor… and Spotify can be the musician. Let’s the split begin… ok?

OK, I’m ready. Done. There’s two of me now.

Great, that’s a nice way of differentiating you from me (also you), by the way. So. Have a seat. Tell me about your creativity. What do you think it’s dragging you down?

As you know, since you are me, the world feels quite hostile now. My life is now on pause because of the pandemic lockdown and starting a new life here and the only thing I’m able to do is trying to fish opportunities from a tiny flat. Now that I’m saying that, that would be the analogy. I’m in the middle of a lake, on a boat without oars. And I can’t see the shore so I must be in the middle of a big one.

How does that make you feel?

I feel trapped, to be honest. I feel I can’t explore my potential stuck in a place. I’m an introvert, always has been. But I feel I need some exposure to the real world, to real people. After all, the artist goal is to reach people. To show and develop the work.

So you feel trapped and stuck. Would you like to see that played back to you?

Sure. I guess it would be me playing as me.

You are correct, sir. Whenever you are ready, actor. In fluid sculpture, let’s watch.

Thank you, actor. Is this how you feel?

Yes, more or less.

Would you like him to repeat?

No, it’s ok. I think I… I mean, he summarized quite well how I feel right now regarding creativity.

So, back to this boat you mentioned. I’m sure that, after all this time, you fished something from that boat, right? I mean look at this, these words are meant to reach people. You are fishing right now. You are writing this to post it in your blog and later share it on many platforms for people to read. Maybe seeking validation.

Ok, this starts to stir far from a playback theatre interview. You are being judgy, and you can’t judge the teller as a conductor.

You are correct, I shouldn’t behave like that as a conductor. Remember that is it also you who’s conducting, though.

You sound like a therapist.

I’ll sound like you need me to sound. Again, I’m you talking to you. It’s not me the one who changed the chair for a psychologist’s divan. Look.

Oh, we are shapeshifting things now. Right… well. I guess that’s what I needed.

So, back to the positive things.

The things I fished.

Exactly, why do you think you fished those things?

I used a rod and bait.

Yes. The fact that you are actually fishing makes you achieve things. Isn’t it?

I guess…

And why don’t you do it more?

You know why.

Of course I do, but I want you to write it down.

I’m scared of the fish rejecting my bait.

Baits are suited for different types of fish.

Could we stop?

Why?

I’m starting to feel uncomfortable.

Sure you can stop, and you know what will happen. This post will be a draft and you will never finish it. It won’t be the first time. Stop drafting and press the “Publish” button.

You are just turning the fish into drafts.

Do you know what’s funny? You’ve been using analogies like fishing or therapy and you’ve never done any of those things. On the other hand, drafts you’ve done plenty. It’s you thinking the drafts are not good enough, basically telling yourself you’re not good enough. Like the exercise that you did in the artist support group.

Yes, the one with the door.

Exactly. The door, you have this big door in front of you and you keep sanding it, painting it, making it perfect… but you never cross the door.

I do, sometimes.

Yes! You did! And you still do. Stop focusing on the doors and peek through the keyholes, cross more thresholds. There’s a pandemic. I know. Things are super difficult. I know. You’ve never been this stuck creativity wise. I know. You don’t have friends that know you well and believe in you in this country. I know. But you gotta keep going…

Why did you stop? …. Wait, are you crying?

Only in the inside. It’s just… I’m tired.

I’m tired. Could we just go back being one? I promise this won’t stay on drafts. I’ll publish.

Don’t you mind waving your fragility out in the open?

Honestly, I don’t give a fuck.

Yes, you do. You should have hide this in a piece of fiction like most playwrights do. But it’s

just

how

things

are

right

now

and

you

must

stop

being

obsessed

with

the

outside

and

you better start

looking into yourself.

Keep talking to yourself.

You might not have the answer

but it’s up to you to find comfort within.

And he kept talking to himself. Writing from within. Not giving fucks and giving all the fucks. Wrestling the negativity. Building thresholds. And trying to grip the infinite leash that will allow him to take hope for a neverending walk.